1
00:00:21,610 --> 00:00:23,990
I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

2
00:00:25,610 --> 00:00:28,350
I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

3
00:00:28,730 --> 00:00:32,650
I know I am, I'm sure I am.

4
00:00:33,090 --> 00:00:35,930
I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

5
00:00:36,130 --> 00:00:41,770
I know I am, I'm sure I am. He's H -A -P
-P -Y.

6
00:00:57,900 --> 00:00:58,900
Are we alone?

7
00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:03,380
Yes. Good. Except for him. I'm not
talking about Norman. He's in on this.

8
00:01:03,380 --> 00:01:05,980
that's all right, then. I'm talking
about our friend over there, Perkins.

9
00:01:06,180 --> 00:01:06,979
You mean Joe?

10
00:01:06,980 --> 00:01:08,320
Yes, where is he? Having a bath.

11
00:01:09,140 --> 00:01:11,480
Well, that makes a change. Who's holding
him down?

12
00:01:11,820 --> 00:01:16,280
You get one, Archie. Well, you must
admit, he does lack a certain personal

13
00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:18,780
freshness. I'm surprised you haven't
noticed.

14
00:01:19,100 --> 00:01:21,200
Oh, you all haven't got your delicate
nostrils, Glover.

15
00:01:21,900 --> 00:01:25,020
So you think he smells. Well, that's
charming, isn't it?

16
00:01:25,310 --> 00:01:28,170
I wondered why you were always dashing
round him with the air freshener. I'm

17
00:01:28,170 --> 00:01:29,350
the only one who thinks so.

18
00:01:29,610 --> 00:01:33,050
Norman agrees with me. Oh, does he?
Well, he can speak for himself. Do you

19
00:01:33,050 --> 00:01:33,829
he smells?

20
00:01:33,830 --> 00:01:37,250
Well, he does pong a bit, Roy. There you
are.

21
00:01:37,590 --> 00:01:40,890
I see. And do you know what that smell
is, Glover? I'll tell you. That's the

22
00:01:40,890 --> 00:01:45,790
smell of hard manual labour, poor
housing and bad sanitation brought on by

23
00:01:45,790 --> 00:01:47,510
middle -class twits like you.

24
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:53,060
It's not just that he smells, Fig. He
has these funny ways. What funny ways?

25
00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:56,940
Oh, come along, Fig. You know what he's
talking about. He talks to himself.

26
00:01:57,100 --> 00:02:00,360
Well, he's been on his own for a long
time, hasn't he? Stuck out there in the

27
00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:03,240
country, miles from anywhere, with only
the sheep for company. What do you

28
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:04,219
expect?

29
00:02:04,220 --> 00:02:06,380
Anyway, he doesn't talk to himself.

30
00:02:07,100 --> 00:02:08,419
He talks to his dog.

31
00:02:08,889 --> 00:02:10,389
But he hasn't got a dog.

32
00:02:10,650 --> 00:02:13,630
I know that, but it's not doing you any
harm, is it?

33
00:02:14,390 --> 00:02:18,210
I don't mind him talking to an imaginary
dog fig, but now he wants me to take it

34
00:02:18,210 --> 00:02:19,210
for walks.

35
00:02:19,770 --> 00:02:23,450
See? Well, you should be flattered. You
wouldn't trust that dog with anyone.

36
00:02:24,090 --> 00:02:26,470
I think he's taken a fancy to you. I
know.

37
00:02:27,550 --> 00:02:30,730
I woke up last night and found him
sitting on the edge of my bed.

38
00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:31,649
Oh, yes?

39
00:02:31,650 --> 00:02:33,270
He said he liked me.

40
00:02:33,990 --> 00:02:37,750
What? Well, of course he likes you.
You're a very prepossessing young man. I

41
00:02:37,750 --> 00:02:39,290
don't like the sound of this at all.

42
00:02:39,490 --> 00:02:42,130
Never mind, Archie. Perhaps he'll sit on
your bed tonight. I hope not.

43
00:02:43,550 --> 00:02:47,310
I don't like all this nocturnal
wandering. It makes my flesh creep. He

44
00:02:47,310 --> 00:02:49,650
was the son he'd never had. He wanted to
be my father.

45
00:02:49,890 --> 00:02:52,530
He left that a bit late, hasn't he?
That's what I told him. I told him to go

46
00:02:52,530 --> 00:02:56,070
away. I can't stand him. And he eats
with his mouth open. Well, of course he

47
00:02:56,070 --> 00:02:58,830
eats with his mouth open. What do you
expect him to do? Shove it in his ear?

48
00:03:00,390 --> 00:03:04,050
He's an uncouth old man, Figgis. I mean,
what about all that? Business with his

49
00:03:04,050 --> 00:03:05,050
teeth.

50
00:03:05,090 --> 00:03:06,690
You never know where he's going to put
them next.

51
00:03:07,690 --> 00:03:09,490
I found them under my pillow this
morning.

52
00:03:10,370 --> 00:03:12,910
We think he should be moved into a
sidewalk.

53
00:03:13,230 --> 00:03:15,810
Oh, do you? Well, he's as nutty as a
fruitcake.

54
00:03:16,050 --> 00:03:17,050
He's harmless.

55
00:03:17,330 --> 00:03:20,830
If he was rich, you wouldn't say he was
as nutty as a fruitcake. You'd say he

56
00:03:20,830 --> 00:03:21,709
was eccentric.

57
00:03:21,710 --> 00:03:23,290
Ha! He says he is rich.

58
00:03:23,810 --> 00:03:28,110
What? He says he's got land as far as
the eye can see and a fortune in gold

59
00:03:28,110 --> 00:03:31,030
sovereigns, and it'll all be mine if I
change my name to Perkins.

60
00:03:31,770 --> 00:03:33,050
Mine? God!

61
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:34,440
What did I tell you?

62
00:03:34,700 --> 00:03:38,120
Delusions of grandeur. And I don't think
he's harmless. I don't like that mad

63
00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:41,300
glare in his eyes. Well, they don't put
people away for that, Archie. I mean,

64
00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:42,620
yours aren't exactly friendly.

65
00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:44,540
I'll be darned, this enough.

66
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:51,100
Mind you, I wouldn't trust that dog of
his.

67
00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:05,030
Good heavens, Gupta, what's going on in
there?

68
00:04:05,450 --> 00:04:06,990
This buck is having a buck.

69
00:04:07,210 --> 00:04:09,350
Well, he seems to be putting up quite a
struggle.

70
00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:13,430
Of course, you've got to remember,
Gupta, he's a son of the soil, not used

71
00:04:13,430 --> 00:04:14,409
these refinements.

72
00:04:14,410 --> 00:04:17,269
What's the matter? Will he take his
clothes off? No, he won't put them back

73
00:04:17,269 --> 00:04:18,269
again.

74
00:04:18,769 --> 00:04:21,810
You'd better get back in there and keep
an eye on him. He won't let me near him.

75
00:04:21,810 --> 00:04:23,110
He thinks I'm out there sitting bucks.

76
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:24,790
Good heavens, has he got it in there
with him?

77
00:04:25,070 --> 00:04:28,210
He won't go anywhere without it. Well,
I'd leave it well alone, Gupta. He

78
00:04:28,210 --> 00:04:29,450
probably keeps his ferret in it.

79
00:04:31,710 --> 00:04:35,130
He's very difficult. Will he be with us
much longer? I don't think so. I can't

80
00:04:35,130 --> 00:04:38,390
find much that matters with him. I've
tested him for everything except hard

81
00:04:39,970 --> 00:04:41,750
I don't know why they've sent him to us.

82
00:04:43,030 --> 00:04:44,250
I think he's little bananas.

83
00:04:46,070 --> 00:04:49,710
No, not another. Why do they keep
sending him to us? We're not trained for

84
00:04:49,710 --> 00:04:50,710
sort of thing.

85
00:04:50,890 --> 00:04:53,250
Look at the jab we did last week.
Thought he was Edward VIII.

86
00:04:53,830 --> 00:04:57,070
He'd only been here five minutes before
he knighted three doctors and made

87
00:04:57,070 --> 00:04:58,330
matron and dame of the British Empire.

88
00:05:00,620 --> 00:05:03,740
I suppose we'll have to refer him to
psychiatric. They'll soon tell them he's

89
00:05:03,740 --> 00:05:04,740
Dottie.

90
00:05:05,140 --> 00:05:07,060
Ah, hello, Perkins.

91
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:08,540
Settling in all right?

92
00:05:08,780 --> 00:05:09,840
Yes, thank you, Doctor.

93
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:11,520
Nothing worrying you at all?

94
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:13,060
Oh, no, no, Doctor.

95
00:05:13,340 --> 00:05:14,960
I know I'm in good hands.

96
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:17,760
They speak very highly of you in the
parish.

97
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,520
They say you have the gift.

98
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:22,300
Oh, do they?

99
00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:24,300
Good.

100
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:28,020
Well, better get back to bed, Perkins.
Don't want to overtax yourself.

101
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:29,360
Yes, Doctor.

102
00:05:30,670 --> 00:05:32,470
He's fairly normal to me, Gupta.

103
00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:34,410
In fact, quite intelligent.

104
00:05:34,910 --> 00:05:36,390
Come on, my beauty.

105
00:05:36,690 --> 00:05:37,690
Come on.

106
00:05:47,550 --> 00:05:49,230
Now, Joe, enjoy your bath.

107
00:05:49,570 --> 00:05:51,070
Damn near scorned me.

108
00:05:51,670 --> 00:05:53,650
I don't hold with all this hot water.

109
00:05:54,690 --> 00:05:56,630
Fries up all the natural oils.

110
00:05:57,150 --> 00:05:58,590
I don't agree with it.

111
00:05:58,850 --> 00:05:59,850
Say, we've noticed.

112
00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:01,500
Um, Beckett.

113
00:06:02,700 --> 00:06:05,860
Um, perhaps you'd like to use some of my
body rub?

114
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:10,540
No, thank you, Dover. It's very
refreshing after a hot bath. No, no.

115
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:12,860
I don't want to smell like a tart.

116
00:06:14,460 --> 00:06:18,000
What are you talking about? It's a very
masculine cologne. It's called granite.

117
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:20,040
I don't care what it's called.

118
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:25,260
I don't want to be personal, Dover, but
ever since I come in here, I've noticed

119
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,260
this smell.

120
00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:30,840
You smell of scent, lover.

121
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:33,020
Sure makes me eyes water some nights.

122
00:06:33,300 --> 00:06:35,940
I see. I suppose you'd prefer a rubdown
with a damp hedgehog.

123
00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:38,820
I like a man to smell like a man.

124
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:44,160
I'd stop using it if I were you. People
might get the wrong idea.

125
00:06:58,510 --> 00:06:59,550
Got a good face, boy.

126
00:07:02,250 --> 00:07:08,650
Takes me back nigh on 50 years to that
night at Braden Fair.

127
00:07:09,210 --> 00:07:14,290
She were dancing for a yellow ribbon and
I were over for the shin ticking.

128
00:07:14,970 --> 00:07:21,150
And afterwards, we walked on the hill
and the wind was howling and she were a

129
00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:24,730
sighing and a weeping and I were a
begging and a pleading.

130
00:07:26,090 --> 00:07:28,010
But it won't be, boy, it won't.

131
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:35,790
She ran off with a gypsy man, and I
never saw her again. Yes, you've told

132
00:07:35,790 --> 00:07:39,010
Perkins, several times. Now, if you
don't mind, I'd like to get to sleep.

133
00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:40,250
That's right, boy.

134
00:07:40,750 --> 00:07:43,250
Get to bed early. I think I'll join you.

135
00:07:43,570 --> 00:07:44,549
Come on.

136
00:07:44,550 --> 00:07:46,230
Yes, time I got my head down.

137
00:07:46,570 --> 00:07:49,750
Once I got my teeth out. Now, where's
that glass?

138
00:07:56,330 --> 00:07:57,330
Just a minute.

139
00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:01,260
Have you been using that glass for your
teeth?

140
00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:04,680
Yes, that's right.

141
00:08:04,980 --> 00:08:05,980
But that's mine.

142
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,040
I've been drinking out of it.

143
00:08:10,820 --> 00:08:12,760
Happy? I didn't know that.

144
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:15,660
I'd better go and give it a good rinse
out then.

145
00:08:17,700 --> 00:08:18,700
Oh, my God.

146
00:08:19,620 --> 00:08:21,360
He's been using my glass for his teeth.

147
00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:25,520
I can't stand it any longer. What about
me? At least he doesn't want to adopt

148
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,080
you. At least you don't remind him of
her.

149
00:08:28,270 --> 00:08:30,130
most of my time hiding in the loo these
days.

150
00:08:30,350 --> 00:08:31,350
Well, I'm going to complain.

151
00:08:32,150 --> 00:08:35,830
What's the matter now, Glover? It's
Perkins. How much longer are we going to

152
00:08:35,830 --> 00:08:39,230
have to put up with him? I mean, I'm
supposed to be in here for rest and

153
00:08:39,230 --> 00:08:42,390
recuperation, and I can't sleep with him
whistling his dog all night.

154
00:08:42,610 --> 00:08:46,970
That's not an ordinary dog, Glover. I
know it's not an ordinary dog, Doctor.

155
00:08:46,970 --> 00:08:48,530
one thing, it doesn't exist.

156
00:08:49,350 --> 00:08:51,770
Precisely. Except in his mind.

157
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:56,700
That, Doctor, is a manifestation of some
deep underlying anxiety, some nameless,

158
00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:57,700
unspoken fear.

159
00:08:57,980 --> 00:08:58,980
I wonder what it is.

160
00:08:59,020 --> 00:09:00,880
You're not going to operate on him, are
you, Doctor?

161
00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:04,000
Probably buried deep in his psyche.

162
00:09:04,380 --> 00:09:05,880
Probably goes back to childhood.

163
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:08,680
The human mind's a complex labyrinth.

164
00:09:09,180 --> 00:09:12,620
We'll just have to humour him until we
can get him into Green Lawns. Green

165
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,140
Lawns? But you can't send him there.

166
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:15,319
He's lonely.

167
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:16,520
He wants to be among friends.

168
00:09:16,900 --> 00:09:18,200
He'll be among friends.

169
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:19,480
They're very understanding.

170
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:22,980
They weren't ones of that chap we had in
last week. He doesn't think he's Edward

171
00:09:22,980 --> 00:09:23,919
VIII anymore.

172
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:26,000
No, he's abdicated and become the Duke
of Windsor.

173
00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:30,400
Why don't you send him to Green Lawns?
It's the best place for him. Yes, they

174
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:31,640
understand about these things.

175
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:35,920
My God, you can't wait to shut him away
and forget him, can you? Now, that's

176
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:37,960
enough, I guess. I don't want any
trouble from you.

177
00:09:39,050 --> 00:09:41,510
All we have to do is chew on these.

178
00:09:43,430 --> 00:09:44,430
Hello, Joe.

179
00:09:44,910 --> 00:09:46,030
How are we now?

180
00:09:46,250 --> 00:09:48,110
Oh, very well, thank you, Doctor.

181
00:09:48,370 --> 00:09:49,950
And how's the old dog?

182
00:09:50,970 --> 00:09:53,130
Dog? Man's best friend, yes.

183
00:09:54,270 --> 00:09:55,390
Beautiful animal.

184
00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:59,370
What is it, Joe? Is it a collie or a
retriever?

185
00:09:59,970 --> 00:10:01,330
What are you talking about?

186
00:10:01,730 --> 00:10:04,550
I can't see any dog.

187
00:10:05,530 --> 00:10:07,210
You think I'm bomb, are you assuming?

188
00:10:09,420 --> 00:10:11,300
No, of course not, Joe. I was just
testing.

189
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,500
These drugs have some strange side
effects.

190
00:10:15,260 --> 00:10:17,200
Well, I'd stop taking them if I were
you.

191
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:21,340
I'm not taking them. You are.

192
00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:25,040
Well, I'm not seeing anything, Doctor.
Not yet, anyway.

193
00:10:26,900 --> 00:10:28,380
Good. That's fine.

194
00:10:29,020 --> 00:10:32,340
Oh, excuse me. I think I bleeped.

195
00:10:33,540 --> 00:10:35,340
Well, you really fooled us all there,
Joe.

196
00:10:35,850 --> 00:10:38,810
You had us all going. We really believed
you. We thought you were talking to a

197
00:10:38,810 --> 00:10:39,810
dog. Dog?

198
00:10:40,570 --> 00:10:42,250
I'm not daft, Figgis.

199
00:10:42,590 --> 00:10:45,850
They don't allow dogs in hospital, I
know that.

200
00:10:47,950 --> 00:10:49,750
I've got him under the bed.

201
00:10:57,510 --> 00:11:02,550
What are you doing, Archie?

202
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:08,880
Oh, not again. You're always Saturday.
Who's upset you this time? I like to

203
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:09,880
it up to date, Figgis.

204
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:13,840
I'm surprised that you haven't made one.
I should think about it seriously.

205
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:15,720
Both of you.

206
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,340
Oh, I couldn't do that. I'd find it too
depressing.

207
00:11:18,660 --> 00:11:20,160
What about you, Figgis? Nothing to
leave.

208
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:21,560
Well, you must have something.

209
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,820
Oh, I gave it all away to avoid death
duties.

210
00:11:25,420 --> 00:11:29,300
But you must have some personal effects.
A ring, a gold watch? Oh, I've got a

211
00:11:29,300 --> 00:11:31,380
gold watch. Well, wouldn't you like to
leave it to your eldest son?

212
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,100
Too late. He's had the back of it
already.

213
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:37,140
Have you got another of those forms,
Glover?

214
00:11:37,420 --> 00:11:39,020
Yes. Good, I've one.

215
00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:41,780
I've never thought of a will before.

216
00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:45,720
And I've got no close relatives. Oh,
come on, Jowd, there's plenty of time

217
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:47,840
that. You've got years ahead of you. Oh,
no, no.

218
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:50,440
These things have got to be thought of.

219
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:53,420
Now, look what you've done.

220
00:11:56,329 --> 00:11:59,190
Strange. He's left his tin box. He's
never done that before.

221
00:11:59,790 --> 00:12:01,110
I wonder what's in it.

222
00:12:01,910 --> 00:12:06,090
Probably some sad mementos, a lock of
hair, tram ticket, a seat with a

223
00:12:06,090 --> 00:12:07,510
photograph. What's he doing?

224
00:12:10,470 --> 00:12:14,270
It's unlocked. You can't do that,
Archie. Trying into a bloke's private

225
00:12:15,050 --> 00:12:16,050
What's in it?

226
00:12:18,430 --> 00:12:19,790
Oh, my God.

227
00:12:20,630 --> 00:12:22,970
It's... It's a fortune.

228
00:12:23,550 --> 00:12:25,030
A fortune in goats.

229
00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:27,329
Sovereign? He's rich.

230
00:12:27,730 --> 00:12:29,650
Crikey. He was telling the truth after
all.

231
00:12:30,030 --> 00:12:33,690
I bet he'd call that land as well as far
as the eye can see. Shut it up, Archie,

232
00:12:33,710 --> 00:12:36,750
before he gets back. Well, I don't like
to leave it like this. I'm sure you

233
00:12:36,750 --> 00:12:37,770
don't. Will it be secure?

234
00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:39,650
Well, if you put the lid back on.

235
00:12:41,030 --> 00:12:43,270
I don't think I liked your tone, Figgis.

236
00:12:44,290 --> 00:12:48,010
After all, there's a great deal of money
in here and he's a very old man.

237
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:52,040
What's to stop some unscrupulous person
coming in here and taking the lot?

238
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:55,560
You're thinking aloud again, Archie. I'm
concerned about him.

239
00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:58,100
Concerned about him? You couldn't wait
to get rid of him? I suppose all that

240
00:12:58,100 --> 00:12:59,180
money doesn't make any difference.

241
00:12:59,380 --> 00:13:01,500
Of course not. Then why have your eyes
gone glazed?

242
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:07,360
I've never been influenced by money
figures. I shall continue to treat him

243
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:10,680
always have, and he'll have to just take
me as he finds me. And he'll certainly

244
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:14,440
know where to find you with all that
fortune in gold sovereigns. What do you

245
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:17,300
say, Norman? Don't ask him. He must have
known about it. That's why he's been

246
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:18,300
wheeling round the old boy.

247
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,620
I haven't been wheedling round him. Oh,
yes, you have.

248
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:22,260
Pretending to be his son.

249
00:13:22,580 --> 00:13:26,160
I always knew you had a mercenary
streak. No, I haven't. The idea never

250
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:29,880
my mind. I don't want his money. Neither
do I. Well, I'm glad that's settled.

251
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:33,740
Norman Perkins.

252
00:13:35,620 --> 00:13:37,260
It does have a ring to it.

253
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:41,260
Come along, Joey.

254
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:42,700
Drink your tea.

255
00:13:42,940 --> 00:13:44,040
No, it's too hot.

256
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:47,840
Well... Shall I pour it into the saucer,
and then you can drink it out of the

257
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,520
fine? Would you like me to cut the
crusts off your bread, Joe? No, that's

258
00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:51,520
right, Norman. I'll do that.

259
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:55,380
Well, would you like some homemade jam?
No, he doesn't like it. He does. He had

260
00:13:55,380 --> 00:13:57,000
some yesterday, and he loved it. No, he
didn't.

261
00:13:57,619 --> 00:14:00,500
The seeds got underneath his plate and
made his gums sore.

262
00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:04,160
It's not good enough for him. Where are
you going, Joe? I'm going out in the

263
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,020
garden to get a bit of peace and quiet.
There, you see, you've upset him now.

264
00:14:07,060 --> 00:14:09,560
Now, come along. You'd better get
dressed, keep warm.

265
00:14:10,020 --> 00:14:13,120
That's it. Now, take my arm, Joe. No,
I'll take him. You took him last time.

266
00:14:13,140 --> 00:14:17,460
I'll take him. He wants a strong arm to
lean on. He likes me to take him. You

267
00:14:17,460 --> 00:14:21,820
should not be playing games with Mr.
Parkinson. He's too old for this sort of

268
00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:23,060
thing. He wants to go into the garden.

269
00:14:23,580 --> 00:14:24,600
Then I will take him.

270
00:14:25,130 --> 00:14:27,890
Come along, Mr. Perkins. Let us go out
into the garden.

271
00:14:28,330 --> 00:14:30,290
Get the jolly old sun on our bodies.

272
00:14:31,030 --> 00:14:33,170
Enjoy the daffodils. They are blooming
beautiful.

273
00:14:34,250 --> 00:14:35,690
It's a lovely time of year.

274
00:14:36,770 --> 00:14:37,930
Would you like to bring the dog?

275
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:39,470
We could throw a stick for him.

276
00:14:39,710 --> 00:14:42,030
Or even better, I'd get him a chop from
the kitchen.

277
00:14:42,610 --> 00:14:46,150
I have influence in the kitchen. All
that nourishing marabou and jelly and

278
00:14:46,150 --> 00:14:47,150
things.

279
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:55,480
I bet he knows about the money.

280
00:14:55,640 --> 00:14:57,560
He's hoping to be put down for a few
rupees.

281
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,840
Well, it's a good thing that I'm around
to save Joe from people like him. And

282
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,240
who's going to save him from people like
you? Security call.

283
00:15:05,940 --> 00:15:06,960
What do you mean, Figgis?

284
00:15:07,860 --> 00:15:09,920
I've noticed a marked change in your
attitude.

285
00:15:10,220 --> 00:15:13,440
Cutting up his food, peeling his grapes,
taking him to the lavatory, whether he

286
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:14,440
wanted to go or not.

287
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:17,180
All because you hope to get a mention in
the will.

288
00:15:17,380 --> 00:15:20,420
The thought never entered my head,
Figgis.

289
00:15:20,750 --> 00:15:22,290
I'm not anticipating anything.

290
00:15:22,530 --> 00:15:25,410
Well, that's just as well, because he's
bound to leave it all to Norman. He

291
00:15:25,410 --> 00:15:26,410
reminds him of her.

292
00:15:27,350 --> 00:15:30,030
Well, I'm not bothered, but of course,
if he wants to leave me the money, I

293
00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:31,850
shall try to be worthy of it. Not
bothered?

294
00:15:32,370 --> 00:15:35,290
Is that why you've been reading the
Bible to him? He likes me to read the

295
00:15:35,350 --> 00:15:36,350
Then who chooses the text?

296
00:15:36,710 --> 00:15:37,950
Cast your bread upon the waters.

297
00:15:38,490 --> 00:15:39,790
It's better to give than to receive.

298
00:15:40,130 --> 00:15:42,810
The meek shall inherit the earth. We all
know the meek is round here, don't we?

299
00:15:42,850 --> 00:15:46,030
Well, I don't believe in inherited
wealth. I hope he leaves it all to the

300
00:15:46,030 --> 00:15:48,170
waggers. That'll let you two out. We'll
see.

301
00:15:49,260 --> 00:15:50,600
What are you doing? Looking for his
will.

302
00:15:50,980 --> 00:15:51,980
Ah, here it is.

303
00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:57,400
Oh, my God, Norman.

304
00:15:58,120 --> 00:15:59,440
Someone's got here before us.

305
00:15:59,860 --> 00:16:04,200
I hereby bequeath all my worldly goods
to Royston James Fig Leaves.

306
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,440
Royston James Fig Leaves.

307
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:09,800
Who's that?

308
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:11,080
Do we know him?

309
00:16:11,740 --> 00:16:14,460
Royston James Fig Leaves. A bloody silly
name.

310
00:16:15,980 --> 00:16:20,540
Royston James... Oh, my... God, Figgis,
it's you.

311
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,880
It's Royston James Figgis. You've got
the lot.

312
00:16:25,460 --> 00:16:30,120
But with agricultural land at 2 ,000
pounds an acre, you're going to be worth

313
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:33,220
over a quarter of a million. A quarter
of a million?

314
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:34,700
My God.

315
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,020
What's the matter? I'm a bleeding
capitalist.

316
00:16:40,660 --> 00:16:42,940
Oh, yes, this is the one.

317
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:49,160
gentlemen's residence in superior
residential area with uninterrupted view

318
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:50,160
the children's.

319
00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:53,440
You're not a gentleman, Figgis. You're
an upstart.

320
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:57,520
You never will be a gentleman as long as
you've got a home. No, no, that'll do,

321
00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:58,560
Archie.

322
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:02,420
Gentlemen do not approve of vulgarity.

323
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:05,040
Money doesn't make a gentleman, Figgis.

324
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,680
I mean, how long before it's jellied
eels and whelks on the terrace?

325
00:17:08,980 --> 00:17:10,800
Brown ale cooling in the bidet.

326
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:16,579
floating in the swimming pool.

327
00:17:17,819 --> 00:17:21,380
Uninterrupted view of the Chilterns. I
feel sorry for the Chilterns if all

328
00:17:21,380 --> 00:17:22,380
they've got to look at is you.

329
00:17:23,420 --> 00:17:24,920
You know what's the matter with him,
don't you?

330
00:17:25,300 --> 00:17:27,020
Envy. He's eating his heart out.

331
00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:28,580
I get some people like that.

332
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,800
Now, what are those holiday brochures it
pays to plan ahead?

333
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:35,740
I don't think Edie will settle for
Ramsgate this year. No, it'll have to be

334
00:17:35,740 --> 00:17:36,760
somewhere more exotic.

335
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:39,140
Oh, now, what about this?

336
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,280
Seven European capitals in six days.

337
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:43,660
That's better than Hitler did.

338
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:46,920
You've always wanted to travel, haven't
you, Norman?

339
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:50,600
Yes, but I've never been lucky enough to
have the money.

340
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,160
What's the matter with everyone?

341
00:17:55,220 --> 00:17:57,720
Dear Figgis, I've just heard about your
good fortune.

342
00:17:57,980 --> 00:18:01,760
May I congratulate you? Thank you,
Gupta. I'm glad somebody's pleased. Mind

343
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:02,940
I'm not counting on it.

344
00:18:03,940 --> 00:18:05,220
Is he planning a holiday?

345
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:08,940
Yes, well, I'll need to convalesce after
what I've been through. You should go

346
00:18:08,940 --> 00:18:12,040
to India. It's a lovely country. Do me a
favour, Gupta. I'm just getting over

347
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,040
one illness.

348
00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:15,330
I don't want to top it up with
dysentery.

349
00:18:15,810 --> 00:18:19,050
Besides, if it's such a beautiful
country, why does everyone want to leave

350
00:18:19,990 --> 00:18:21,710
We leave it because we are poor.

351
00:18:21,910 --> 00:18:23,770
We are not like you figures. We are not
rich.

352
00:18:23,990 --> 00:18:26,350
We are not bloated capitalists
exploiting the poor and the oppressed.

353
00:18:27,130 --> 00:18:31,790
Do you mind, Captain? I'm supposed to be
resting. Just pump my pillars up. Pump

354
00:18:31,790 --> 00:18:32,790
your own pillars up.

355
00:18:37,330 --> 00:18:38,530
What a word with you figures.

356
00:18:39,210 --> 00:18:42,750
Just a complaint from Mr. Perkins'
relatives. They informed me that he's

357
00:18:42,750 --> 00:18:44,110
you his sole beneficiary.

358
00:18:44,410 --> 00:18:45,890
Now, how did you manage that?

359
00:18:46,150 --> 00:18:48,470
What sort of pressures did you put on
the old man?

360
00:18:48,770 --> 00:18:50,410
Why should anyone want to leave you
money?

361
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:54,790
Oh, I see. So that's it. I suppose you
were open to get a mention.

362
00:18:55,410 --> 00:18:59,350
I mean, it's amazing how many medical
men crop up in the last will and

363
00:18:59,350 --> 00:19:03,200
testament. That's what you think, is it,
Figgis? Well, if you're accusing me of

364
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:04,260
self -interest, what about you?

365
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,280
What's happened to your socialist
principles?

366
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,980
For someone with no respect for
property, you're about to acquire an

367
00:19:09,980 --> 00:19:10,419
of it.

368
00:19:10,420 --> 00:19:13,380
Well, I'm sorry you feel like that,
Doctor, because you could have benefited

369
00:19:13,380 --> 00:19:14,500
from my good fortune.

370
00:19:14,780 --> 00:19:16,400
You could have had a new art machine.

371
00:19:16,940 --> 00:19:18,420
What's wrong with the heart machine
you've got?

372
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:20,780
What do you mean? Another screw dropped
out of it yesterday.

373
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:25,380
It hardly gives you confidence, does it?
You could have had the Roy Figgis heart

374
00:19:25,380 --> 00:19:29,620
machine. You might even have had the Roy
Figgis ward, or the Sir Roy Figgis

375
00:19:29,620 --> 00:19:32,460
ward, or the Lord Figgis of the
Chilterns ward.

376
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:36,520
But you can forget it now. And so can
you, Figgis. We're all very concerned

377
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,440
about Mr Perkins' sanity, especially now
he's left his money to a total

378
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,820
stranger. We're going to send him to
Green Lawns tomorrow.

379
00:19:42,060 --> 00:19:43,200
But you can't do that, Doctor.

380
00:19:43,420 --> 00:19:45,000
He's as sane as you are.

381
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:23,960
I've got the evening paper.

382
00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:27,860
I think I'm going to attack you here.

383
00:20:28,780 --> 00:20:30,320
Have you seen what's in the evening
paper?

384
00:20:31,020 --> 00:20:34,740
Oh, I can't concentrate with all these
interruptions. No, shall we move into

385
00:20:34,740 --> 00:20:39,260
ward? No, don't go. I enjoy a game of
drafts. Norman, I'm not talking to

386
00:20:39,300 --> 00:20:40,440
Would you tell him to go away?

387
00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:42,820
I can't, because I'm not speaking to him
either.

388
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:46,140
Oh, blimey, that does it. Joe, are you
awake?

389
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:48,100
What's the matter? Do me a favour, will
you?

390
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:51,080
Disinherit me. Cut me off without a
shilling, just for my sake.

391
00:20:53,729 --> 00:20:56,290
Everybody knows about it. It's making my
life a misery.

392
00:20:56,670 --> 00:20:59,810
Well, if you don't want it, you can
always give it away.

393
00:21:00,030 --> 00:21:02,790
Not when Edie and her mother find out.
They'd sooner give me away.

394
00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:07,070
Look, the best thing you can do is cut
me out of your will and do us both a

395
00:21:07,070 --> 00:21:10,070
favour. They're sending me to Coventry
and you to Green Lawns.

396
00:21:11,190 --> 00:21:14,430
Yes, and you know what that means, don't
you? You take my advice, and as soon as

397
00:21:14,430 --> 00:21:17,730
they bring your clothes tomorrow
morning, show them a clean pair of eels.

398
00:21:17,730 --> 00:21:20,650
back to your farm as quick as you can,
lock your doors and find your shotgun.

399
00:21:20,870 --> 00:21:24,030
And when you see those blokes in the
white coats coming over the hill, let

400
00:21:24,030 --> 00:21:27,590
have both barrels. Friggis, I bear that
in mind. I'd better go and make

401
00:21:27,590 --> 00:21:28,590
arrangements.

402
00:21:29,730 --> 00:21:33,990
My God, Friggis, I never thought I'd see
anyone do that.

403
00:21:34,490 --> 00:21:37,270
You must have given away over a quarter
of a million.

404
00:21:37,570 --> 00:21:38,570
I know.

405
00:21:38,830 --> 00:21:40,410
And they want to certify him.

406
00:21:44,140 --> 00:21:48,140
Are you sure I can't get you a taxi? Oh,
no, it's all right. Now, don't rush me.

407
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:50,940
Come on, they'll be here in a minute.
Oh, my God, that's torn it. I was just

408
00:21:50,940 --> 00:21:54,240
popping off duty and I thought I'd come
and say goodbye before I went. I believe

409
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:55,780
the men from Green Lawns have arrived.

410
00:21:57,420 --> 00:22:00,580
How's he taking it, Biggis? Very well,
Doctor, under the circumstances.

411
00:22:02,660 --> 00:22:06,280
But if you don't mind, could you just
say goodbye to the dog?

412
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:08,000
It would mean a lot to me.

413
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:10,640
The dog, Figgis.

414
00:22:10,940 --> 00:22:11,940
He's over there.

415
00:22:13,340 --> 00:22:17,540
Well, I suppose we should humour him
over there. Black and white collie. Just

416
00:22:17,540 --> 00:22:18,540
make it possible.

417
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:21,360
If you think it's the best.

418
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:25,200
Hello, boy.

419
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:27,300
Oh, don't jump up.

420
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:29,780
It's good energy, eh?

421
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,320
Perhaps we can get him a bone from the
kitchen.

422
00:22:32,580 --> 00:22:33,620
He's ready for you now.

423
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:39,440
He always says that.

424
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:12,000
I know I am, I'm sure I am. I'm H -A -P
-P -Y.

425
00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:14,360
Oh, yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

426
00:23:14,940 --> 00:23:16,700
Yes, I'm H -A -P -P -Y.

427
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:20,660
I know I am, I'm sure I am.

428
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:25,580
Yes, I'm H -A -P -P, H -A -P -P, only
when I laugh.

429
00:23:27,180 --> 00:23:28,180
H -A -P -P -Y.

430
00:23:28,230 --> 00:23:32,780
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